I write this from the cement patio floor of a frat house at Dartmouth College. This is completely irrelevant to the proceeding post- but how could I not mention that?
You know that uneasy feeling you get when some significant stage in your life is nearing its conclusion? Maybe you’ve experienced this during your senior year of high school, or college, or before moving to a new city or leaving a job, or the end of a meaningful relationship. You’re still in the midst of it, but once you let your mind wander just a little bit forward in time, you can sense the end. I call this “Last Lap-itis”.
I have a severe case of Last Lap-itis.
If your pre-college experience was anything like mine, then the following trip down memory lane might feel so real as to get you car sick…This post is brought to you by Pepto Bismol. Pepto Bismol, preventing mind diarrhea since 1935™
It was August 2004, the last month of my life as a “high school student.” Although it was the summer, until you step foot onto a college campus, you’re a high school student. There’s no other way to interpret it. You live in your high school town. You hang out with your high school friends. You do high school things (if in the Midwest, perhaps in corn fields).
Scene: While at the grocery store, rummaging through the produce section like I know what a good cantaloupe looks like (I don’t), my afternoon is instantly ruined by the venomous noise of a screaming toddler. It’s an unmistakable combination of unreasonable complaining with pure hysteria. Words, screaming, and dry heave crying are blended together like it was the latest offering from Jamba Juice.
“BUUUUUTTT MAAAAAAAHMMYY…I WAAAAAAANNNNTT (scream/cry/snot chorus) THE ROBOT DINOSAUR BOATTTTTTTT DVVDDDD (repeat chorus)”
Of course by the end of this song, Mom is so suicidal that she’ll grant Screamy whatever material object will allow her 12 seconds of escape from the constant torment of raising a child. Screamy gets the robot dinosaur boat DVD (i have no idea what kids like), mommy gets a little bit of quiet, and The Good Badger gets livid. Read more →