Zach Davis is a dude who writes blog posts and occasionally a book. One time he ran a marathon without any training. Another time he walked from Georgia to Maine without any training. Get special discounts on nothing by liking the Good Badger Facebook Page. Also find Zach on Google.
In this picture, the red dots represent the areas where bars out number grocery stores. These dots nearly trace the Wisconsin state line perfectly. Notice how Madison, WI appears to be at the epicenter of the sea of alcoholics red (probably no coincidence in their color selection). I’d be willing to bet that in some areas of state, the bar per capita ratio reaches above 1.0, but unfortunately I have no science to back that up (only four years of experience).
At least they haven’t named their professional sports teams after drinking. Oh, wait….
This will be the first post not entirely written by The Good Badger. Just in case you didn’t know it, that was the bad news. The good news is, the co-author of this post, Alex Wysocki, is a good friend and an individual who’s at least two standard deviations funnier than the mean.
I’m sick of people not using Google Reader. Why? Because it’s underrated and it’s awesome. And quite frankly I’m here to make you more awesome. So help me help you become a better Internetter. Read more →
Perhaps I’ll regret saying this, but, there’s no reason any business should ever pay anyone to manage their social media accounts unless they:
1) Have absolutely no clue how to operate Facebook/Twitter/YouTube/Flickr/Squidoo/WordPress/etc. (in which case they’d be better paying someone to teach them how to use it – or learn for free through online tutorials. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to Tweet, and he’s annoying for life.)
or
2) Simply have no time to learn and would rather pay someone to do it for them
In other words, either they’re too ignorant, too busy, or both. In all other scenarios, if you’re in charge of your own business, or calling the shots in any way, I’m telling you to not pay someone to run your social media marketing. This is coming from someone who makes a living running people’s social media sites. That’s the equivalent of coffee salesmen telling you how great Red Bull is.
I do my best to tell it like it is. This isn’t law, this isn’t accounting, this isn’t neurology. Those fields require someone who has spent years in specified education acquiring licenses to qualify themselves as capable in their specific practice. Social media marketing is much closer to personal training. Sure, there is a vast proportion of the population who might not have the first clue as to how to go about achieving their health goals, but the process it takes to educate yourself can be measured in hours. Read a couple of good books, get your Men’s Fitness subscription, watch an Arnold DVD, and you’re qualified to manage your own health and nutrition. Beyond that, when you pay for a personal trainer, you’re buying motivation. If you need someone to motivate you on why your business is marketable, you need more help than a social media specialist can offer. You need to hire someone to overhaul your entire marketing program.
Ok, if it’s so easy, how do I go about managing these sites?
Let me answer my own question presented from a 3rd party perspective by explaining the types of social media users I encounter on a daily basis.
The Rookie
This person has just recently discovered social media and has been convinced by at least one person half their age of its importance. This combined with what is apparently too much free time equates to the most annoying of all social media users (aside from most businesses). The result unfortunately is a steady stream of mundane updates mixed in with an endless barrage of Farmville, Mafia Wars, friend quizzes, their favorite charities (which they likely don’t contribute money to), and other updates from dangerously unimportant applications. (By the way the only way to help these people is by ostracizing them. Until you tell them how annoying they are, they hold the delusion that people find these bits of information important.)
The Drama Queen
This person thrives on social media because now they get to publicize their melodramatic qualities. Often times this is merely a desperate cry for sympathy and attention. A quick run through their updates will demonstrate that (at least in their eyes) nothing in their life is right. My personal favorite variety of the drama queen is the “none of your business” variety. This person will beg for attention, and when they receive it, will retract and act like nothing is wrong. Their internal struggle is a spectacle for all to enjoy (or become nauseated by).
The Socialite
There are two very specific categories of The Socialite:
The Business variety: The person in charge of this account makes every attempt to respond to every point of direct contact as a means of obtaining more business. This is not necessarily a poor strategy, although it is very transparent. They will often make direct references to each social interaction they can remember having with each member of their social network. (“It was great to pass @billybob on the staircase”, “@LisaBibsby really knows how to buy diet coke at 7/11”). To that person there is a momentary sense of importance. To everyone else, you’ve taken time away from them that they will never get back. NOTE: This has now gotten to the point where certain individuals will dedicate their lives to building their social network in this manner. Eventually their endgoal is to essentially sell advertising (“hey guys, be sure to check out the Downtown Holiday Inn, it’s really great!”) to their “friends”. Sadly this works.
The “look how popular I am” variety: This person derives their self worth by how “cool” other people perceive them as. Perpetual picture sharing, shoutouts for every instance of communication, and a need to become “Facebook friends” at the slightest hint of interaction are symptoms of this disease. If you’ve ever heard anyone brag about how many Facebook friends or followers they have, odds are they fall into this category.
The Jukebox
This person mostly uses song lyrics as their status updates. This person sucks.
The Secondhand News Stand
I will go easier on this type, seeing as I most likely fall into this category (fair and balanced). This person has the delusion that what they find important will also be deemed important by those in their social media circle. They share what is funny, informative, important, educational, entertaining, despite how funny, informative, important, educational, or entertaining the source may actually be. This is a sound approach for businesses to take to demonstrate their knowledge and timeliness within a particular niche.
I could go on. I won’t. The point is not to ridicule people for their social media uses (except maybe The Rookie and The Drama Queen). The point of the preceding over-simplifaction is to demonstrate, that everything you do on social media says something about you. More accurately, it says something about how you want people to perceive you. This is not at all unlike any other form of communication. Every action you take says something about you. Social media is not some bizarre world populated with giant, blue creatures who ride pterodactyl like birds, who only practice monogamy, and are best viewed through cheap 3D glasses (I should make that into the best selling movie of all time). Social media is society through the use of a keyboard, mouse, and/or touchscreen. Hiring someone to tell you what to put as a Facebook update or Tweet means you don’t know what differentiates your business. It means you don’t know your customers. It means you don’t know how to position yourself between your competition. It means you don’t understand business.
Sure there are some advanced social media tactics which can help condense, repetitive actions. There are some tools which will help better locate potential customers. But there are amazing resources out there that can help you figure these methods out without paying someone to do that for you.
However, if you do have the extra money to spend, don’t have the time, or the patience to learn the tricks of this trade, there are quality candidates out there who can master this for you (or educate you). But, buyer be ware, there are snake oil salesmen, and there are people who know marketing. Be careful to pick the latter.
Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but am I the only person in America who fits these two conditions?
Is a fan of Conan “Coco” O’Brien
Is happy to see him leave the Tonight Show
Throughout high school and college, I was as big a Conan fan as it got. LateNight with Conan O’Brien was an oasis in the desert of horrible programming that accompanied midnight television (I’m coming from the perspective of Central Standard Time – deal with it). At that hour your options are between infomercials for a toaster/blender/ChiaPet hybrid, some crazy evangelist preaching that masturbation is a sign of the devil, and Girls Gone Wild commercials (an unfair combination if you ask me). And then there was NBC, the home of Conan O’Brien. A safe bet for a couple of C level celebrity guests, laughably cheap sketches, and of course Conan’s razor sharp wit and immature, animated charisma. I don’t think I missed a single Monday through Wednesday show throughout my entire freshman year of college (I had other priorities Thursday and Friday, and occasionally Wed…and Tues…and Monday. Okay maybe I missed a few). Prior to 12:05 AM, my roommate, we’ll call him Jason (because that’s his name), and I typically had separate agendas. He was usually studying (no surprise he later went on to score in the 98th percentile for the MCATs), I, was usually not (no surprise I later went on to write a blog about watching Conan O’Brien). But as soon as the famed Max Weinberg drum-roll hit, Jason put down his book, I put down the Playstation controller, and it was Conan time. Our room eventually became the unofficial Conan viewing room, attracting others throughout Oggdormatory (that was the actual size of the room to be shared by two people – and sickly, I miss it).
The point for this reminiscent rant, is to convey my affinity for Coco.
When, in 2004, NBC decided to make Conan the host of the Tonight Show 5 years down the road (way past the year 2000), no one was more excited than me. This is mostly because I was moving to Pacific Standard Time and not sleeping in til 10AM anymore; 1:30 AM and I have drifted apart. Last year, this long awaited dream finally came true.
However, something seemed awry. The prime-time, 11:30 PM, family-friendly NBC spot and Conan O’Brien didn’t quite gel. It didn’t gel for me. It definitely didn’t gel for NBC. And I’m guessing if you were a fan of the likes of the Masturbating Bear, it didn’t gel for you either. Don’t get me wrong it’s still good, anything that Conan hosts has no option but to be funny. But it lost its edge.
I believe the Tonight Show + Conan experiment was a failure waiting to happen for two reasons:
1) Conan replacing Leno is like having Metallica fill in at an Enyaconcert
The Tonight Show constituency in which Conan was going into had grown occustomed to Jay Leno for 17 years. These two personalities could not further apart. Conan is off-beat, intelligent, quick witted, interesting, etc. Jay Leno, has none of these qualities. Leno might excite you if (a) you’re 60 years or older and/or (b) you’re only other hobby consists of watching paint dry. Conan’s followers don’t meet this age requirement, so, unfortunately NBC misses out on the disproportionately large Baby Boomer population (when can we start referring to them as the Viagra generation? I believe I’ll start this now movement now). Someone who had grown used to Jay Leno’s manila comedy and passive interview style was likely not going to jump on the bandwagon of, nipple rubbing, fake puppet string cutting, Conan O’Brien. Additionally, Gen Y watches a good portion of their TV online. Not good if you’re NBC and making a decision purely based on Nielsen ratings.
2) When trying to please everyone, you appeal to no one
Conan was trying to please two different markets simultaneously. His brand of humor was never going to stop appealing to his core audience (anyone under the age of 35), but it was obvious he now was also trying to please the older Tonight Show crowd. If you paid attention, there have been several instances where Conan gets visibly uncomfortable when one of his guests brings up a “less than prime-time” topic during an interview. Of course his interviewees would touch upon crude topics, they were talking to Conan. His show used to be a breeding ground for such banter. Now, since he’s the host of the Tonight Show, he has adopted the fallacy of the “Tonight Show legacy”. Younger viewers don’t care about legacies. Maybe those who are old enough to remember watching Johnny Carson care, but my generation doesn’t. We don’t watch SNL because of what it used to be. If it’s funny, we’ll watch. If it’s not, the Internet, DVR, and Netflix puts the term “television legacy” on par with Alchemy. In trying to cater to both of these audiences, he both missed the mark with the older generation and lost some of his luster with his original fan base.
Since Conan has found out that NBC is buying out his contract and releasing him, his show has started to return to form. He even recently brought back our favorite self-pleasuring bear. This is encouraging news for folks like myself. Maybe the original Conan isn’t dead, but is merely lying dormant. Put Conan into a setting where the lead-in is a half hour of animals viciously attacking people’s crotches (aka FOX), and I believe he can shine once again.
For those who feel bad for Conan, I have one word of advice: stop. Conan wasn’t right for the legacy. Let the Johnny Carson/Jay Leno crowd have their old people’s program back. NBC was trying to make Conan get behind the wheel of a classic Cadillac (or a Buick). It didn’t work. Now, once again, he has the opportunity to operate a monster truck that sprays licorice and nitrous oxide. When Fox, FX, or some crazy alternative like Internet Television decides to give Conan his show back, his audience will be the beneficiaries. After all, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.
About one year ago, one of the top stories in Major League Baseball involved the Los Angeles Dodgers offering Manny Rameriz $25 million for one year. To play baseball.
A couple of days ago I fell upon an article in the USA Today that was detailing the destruction caused by the unseasonably cold weather in the southern part of the country (don’t be alarmed, this is not a weather rant). Apparently, the plummeting temperatures has more of an effect than making Floridians dust off their winter jackets. The article exemplifies some of the less obvious consequences of such an anomaly: large scale losses of tropical fish, the closing of zoos that stay open year round, etc.
Then, toward the end of the article, it is mentioned that two teens outside of Atlanta died as a result of this weather system. What may have caused such a tragedy? Perhaps their car broke down, they were stranded in the middle of a rural area, and eventually fell victim to hypothermia. Or their car hit a patch of ice, they slid into the wetlands and promptly became hors d’oeuvres for a congregation of alligators. In fact, neither of these scenarios were the cause of death. Instead, as a result of recreation, these two teenage boys fell through a semi-frozen pond.
I don’t want to seem more cold hearted than I am in reality (68°F), but this is not an act of mother nature. This is an act of neglect on behalf of their mothers. In the Midwest, people die from similar events on a fairly regular basis. No one makes this an issue of bizarre external factors. People don’t blame Climate Change or write nasty letters to chemists, dealing a diatribe for the properties H2O. Sure, ponds might not freeze as often in Georgia as they do in Minnesota, but when you put an ice tray in the freezer for 15 minutes, the result is partially frozen ice. This is fairly universal. When you pull out said ice tray, and a light bulb goes off saying, “if only there was more of this, I’d sure like to stand on it,” well, Darwin can explain the rest.
The older of the two kids was 15 years old. True, this is young, but also old enough to be less than a year away from legally driving a two ton automobile at speeds heavily influenced by the NASCAR culture. Still, Mom and Dad have to take the heat (no pun intended) for this one. Maybe these kids didn’t learn their “frozen pond lesson” from the The Good Son like the rest of us, but even if they had watched Macaulay Culkin chuck a child into the water of a semi-frozen pond, they’re just kids. It’s their job to be curious. It’s mom’s responsibility to say, “don’t play on that because you’ll die.”
Again, this doesn’t lessen the loss being experienced by those who knew and loved these kids. Kids are kids, they didn’t deserve this fate. The point is don’t tack this loss up to mother nature. This one falls squarely on the shoulders of mom.
Thanks in advance to Tim Speciale for the picture. Be sure to check out his website which houses the most interesting psychology facts and Facebook psychology studies that you’ve likely never heard of.
